Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Eat Your Veggies!

Annnnnd....we're back!  After a brief and annoying hiatus it seems that things are back in working order.  Hells to the mother fucking ya!  But, what in Christ's name is up with the title of this blog?  Veggies?  Screw that!  Oh, ya...during this hiatus I kind of started trying to eat better.  What can I say?  There happen to be a few people I hate so much I've become determined to outlive them.  Can't really do that on a diet of Cheetos dipped in bacon grease.  I know...crying shame.  I haven't gone all health nut though.  I'm human and I NEED my pizza.  Veggies?  Pizza?  Let's do this shit!

First and foremost, for the love of Duck Tales, make your own sauce.  It's so easy, taste so much better and isn't filled with crap that probably causes cancer.  There are shit tons of recipes out there.  Try one, try them all, or just do what I did and throw some sauce like things in the blender.  I used two, peeled Roma tomatoes, a tablespoon of sun dried tomatoes, garlic, basil, oregano, rosemary, onion powder, pepper and olive oil.

Viola!  Pizza sauce.  Or something that works like pizza sauce.  Whatever you want to call it, it tasted good.  That's really all that matters.  You could probably make a bigger batch and keep in in the fridge until it grows mold.  I wouldn't eat it once it starts growing but you are more then welcome to.  In fact, if you happen to be one of those people I hate, I'd recommend eating lots of it.

There's really not too much else to this.  Top some Naan ( because I fucking love the hell out of Naan ) with the sauce, some veggies and cheese.  Oh, and you know...bake that shit.  I pilled on spinach, tomatoes, sun dried tomatoes, a little shredded cheese and some feta.

Oh ya....I need a little alone time with that last picture.  

Obviously, this can be changed to fit your likes and dislikes.  Bell peppers, mushrooms, olives, onions, beets, pigs feet, the neighbors dog, the toes of the hooker decomposing in your trunk...the topping possibilities are endless!    

Ratings - ( a possibility of 5 ☆'s )

Cost - ☆☆.5   No meat means cheap, cheap!!

Difficulty - ☆☆.5  Come on now...a monkey could do this.  
Taste - ☆☆ - It's PIZZA!  I missed the pepperoni but overall, super tasty.

Clean up - ☆ Cookie sheet, cutting board, blender, pizza cutter, shirt ( I may have dribbled a wee bit )

Fuck Dominos!  Fuck Little Caesars!  Fuck Round Table!  And Fuck the lazy ball sacks at Papa Murphys who can't even turn on an oven!  Dress up like a Ninja Turtle and make your own pizza!

Happy Porking People!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Did Caesar live here?

"You guys may not know this, but I consider myself…a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one man wolf pack." - Alan Garner 

And sadly... 

" You don't win friends with salad." - Homer Simpson

Well Homer, let's test this.  What's the worse that can happen?  Can't lose what you don't have, right?  Plus, I was thinking about adding some Rohypnol.  Passed out people can't say no...to dinner plans, that is.

If we're going to do salad we better do this shit right!

Let's start with the obvious.  We need a carcass.  I picked chicken.  It is a Chicken Caesar Salad after all.  But I'll be damned if I'm going to boil a few hunks of dead hen.  Just because there's lettuce here doesn't mean there needs to be flavorless bits of rubber too.  We need chicken, a marinade, and the oven for this job!  

" And we're the three best friends that anyone could have.  And we're the three best friends that anyone could have.  And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!"

I pulled a few things out of my satchel and created a zesty marinade.  

1/4 cup olive oil
2-3 gloves minced garlic depending on how much you like garlic 
1 tbsp lemon juice
2 tbsp caesar dressing
1/4 tsp onion powder
1 tsp white wine vinegar 
pepper to taste

Whisk like hell and add chicken.

Marinade for 2 hours in the fridge then bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes.

That should have been it.  I mean, I don't think anyone needs directions on how open the bag of roman lettuce, add chicken, add dressing, and ( of course ) croutons.  

Oh sweet mother of Jehoshaphat!  I seem to be out of croutons.  The horror.  The fucking horror!  Salad without croutons is like Rosa Parks without a bus.  Like Jews without nails.  Like sluts without a tramp stamp.  It's just not right.

Now what?

Hmmmmm...Well, I have these leftover rolls from when I made Phillys....

I also have nifty knife skills.

Toss in olive oil, garlic and pepper  ( Tiger's like pepper, they don't like cinnamon ).  Bake at 275 for 25-30 minutes or until nice and toasty.

Damn straight, yo.  I just made mother fucking croutons like a boss!

NOW you can add everything together.  I even provided a little tune to sing while you work.

Ratings - ( a possibility of 5 ☆'s )

Cost - ☆☆.5   Bag lettuce, chicken, and bread you we're probably going to throw away...  Gee, don't break the bank.

Difficulty - ☆☆.5  Really, how much easier can it get?  You don't even have to cut the lettuce.  

Taste - ☆☆ - Zesty, garlicky, healthy, tastiness.

Clean up - ☆  2 cookie sheets, one bowl for marinading, measuring cup, measuring spoons, whisk, knife.  All dishwasher safe.  There is also putting everything back in your satchel and/or fridge.  7 items.    8 if you include the leftover lettuce.

"Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.

Happy Porking People!


Vegetables.  Booooring.  If it didn't bleed at some point, or is still bleeding I don't really see the point in eating it.  Sadly, those nasty little dirt dwellers are kind of vital to, you know, our overall health and stuff.  That's why when I'm forced to consume cripples... uh ... vegetables I stuff the living hell out of them with MEAT!

The best part about having stuffed bell peppers is that you can get creative.  I've seen all kinds of different recipes from GreekMexican and even New Orleans stuffed peppers.  You can make them healthy and use ground turkey or ruin your colon and stuff them with bacon, wrap them in bacon and then deep fry them in bacon fat.  It's completely up to you.  

I kept mine simple and somewhat traditional.  Ground beef, lots of garlic, fire roasted tomatoes, rice, worcestershire sauce and provolone cheese.

Men, the following does NOT apply to women.  Before you stuff something, you must remove it's innards.  Cut the pepper in half and remove the stem, ribs and seeds.

If the smell of healthy living bothers you, you might want to tape a chicken nugget under your nose while cutting the pepper.  Try to endure the torture, I promise it will get better.  

Once the peppers are cut, you'll need to boil out some of those pesky vitamins.  After all, I'd sure hate for one of my readers to go into anaphylactic shock.  That and boiling them for about 5 minutes also makes them tender and more palatable.  During this process you can start making the stuffing!

Start by cooking rice.  Some recipes will say to use uncooked rice, claiming it'll cook in the tomato sauce.  Crunchy, under cooked rice is a sin and not one that Jesus died for.  Don't risk your eternal happiness, just cook it!

Brown the ground beef or turkey or endangered animal with some onion.  I also had half a pepper that wasn't getting stuffed so i chopped it up and added it as well.

From there add a can of tomatoes or tomato sauce.  Your choice.  I used fire roasted tomatoes.  Add garlic, a tablespoon of worcestershire sauce, cooked rice and seasonings.  In the past I've seasoned with salt, pepper, rosemary, basil, and other "Italian" flavors.  Not this time.

This time I went with salt, pepper and cajun seasoning.  I wasn't sure how much to add so I started with a teaspoon, tasted, added more, tasted again (with the dirty spoon) and so on.  Using the dirty spoon would have gotten me booted from Chopped for sure.  Alex Guarnaschelli would have had a fit!

By now you should have removed the peppers from the boiling water and drained them on a towel.  If you didn't you're a dumb ass.  I said FIVE minutes!  Now add some cheese, then the stuffing, then more cheese.  Bake at 350 for 20 minutes or until cheese is melted and just started to turn brown.

Ratings - ( a possibility of 5 ☆'s )

Cost - ☆☆ This is great for any leftover meat from other meals, the mystery meat in your freezer, or using up some of the 20 lbs of bacon you bought on ebay while piss drunk.  Even if you use ground beef, like I did, you'll only need one lb.  Green bell peppers are around 60 cents each.  You only need one per person since you'll be cutting it in half and stuffing both halves.  Trust me, two halves will be enough for one serving.  Rice, canned tomatoes, garlic and onions are all cheap and something you should have on hand anyways.  If you don't have, and don't regularly use the worcestershire feel free to omit it.  No one will miss it.

Difficulty - ☆☆ I'm not going to lie, this does require a bit of work.  BUT... it's all easy work, assuming you have hands and own a knife.

Taste - ☆☆.5  Overall I enjoyed this, but it's not something I typically crave.  Maybe if it was stuffed with cake batter...

Clean up - ☆ I always make such a mess when making this.  There's the cutting board, knife, large pot to boil in, pan, baking dish.  I guess it's not that much, but I'm clumsy and a messy cook.  While stuffing I spill everywhere.  The counter tops, the floor, the ceiling.  It's pretty bad.

I wonder how the boys over at Epic Meal Time would make stuffed peppers....  hmmmmm....
Happy Porking People!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Yeer O not Guy Row

Istanbul was once Constantinople.  Not that I really care, I just thought I'd share a little information on the home of the Gyro.  That's "yeer o" for the pronunciation-ally challenged.  This isn't really a traditional recipe since traditionally the meat would be cooked on a vertical spit.  I suppose I could have achieved some horizontal, half assed, representation but even giving 50% was too much for me.  I used thin cut sirloin tip strips and cooked it on the stove, even though the recipe says to grill it.  That requires walking outside and we're trying to exude as little effort as possible.  Here's the recipe I used.  
Yeer O  

This is the stuff for the marinade.  I doubled up on the garlic, to hinder vampire attacks.  Everything went into the blender and then in a Ziplock bag.

Marinade for 2 hours. During which you'll properly utilize your time.  In other words, stop being a lazy sack of crap and make the Tzatziki sauce.

Here's what you'll need.  Note, I didn't have any apple cider vinegar and there was no way in hell I was going to the store.  I was well past the .08 drinking and driving limit.  I did, however, have white wine vinegar which worked just fine.  By the way, that's NOT a dildo on the cutting board.  It's a cucumber.  Want proof?

Do dildos have seeds?  I didn't think so!  To remove the seeds, just simply scrap out with a spoon.  Then everything goes in the blender and turns into deliciousness for your mouth.

Once meat is marinated chuck it into a hot pan with oil and a sliced onion.  Only cook until the meat is no longer pink.  Not a second more or you'll have chewy meat.

Half your pita bread, add a little shredded cheese, warm slightly in the microwave and spoon in onion/animal flesh mix.  Do NOT forget the Tzatziki sauce.  In my opinion, this was by far the best part.

Ratings - ( a possibility of 5 ☆'s )

Cost - ☆.5  If you plan correctly and have your kitchen properly stocked this won't be too expensive at all.  The meat I used was left over from when I made Phillys earlier in the week.  Planning out your meals and buying in bulk will always save you money in the long run.  There is always Soy sauce, garlic and sour cream in my fridge, I have a decent spice collection and there are always onions in my pantry.  Like I said I didn't have cider vinegar but I did have white wine vinegar which worked great.  I only had to purchase the pita bread and the cucumber.  When planning out your meals try to make meals that have a few of the same ingredients.  If you have to buy mushrooms for one dish, plan another meal later in the week that also uses mushrooms. This will lower your money spent and avoid food going bad.

Difficulty - ☆☆.5  Just like the meat for the Phillys, cutting this meat sucked ass.  However, making the sauce and marinade were crazy easy.  Just dump into a blender!

Taste - ☆☆  I really enjoyed this.  I'm not really sure how "authentic" it tasted but it certainly was good. I especially enjoyed the Tzatziki.  I wasn't too keen on the pita bread though.  I think it would have been 100 times better on warm garlic naan.

Clean up - ☆ One cutting board, knife, large spoon, blender, pan, cookie sheet.  All dishwasher safe.

This was a special request from Jeff Henry.  You can thank him by checking out his awesome page There I 

Happy Porking People!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


It's late, I'm tired and you can fuck yourself.  Yeah, I know I'm being a jerk.  So what?  I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with the sickening amount of beef jerky I've consumed recently.  It's just a fun coincidence.

This is going to be a short blog so that I can lay in bed and continue to stuff shriveled up meat in my mouth.  Let's start with a link to a recipe that's pretty damn good.  JERK  I have tested this recipe and it is fucking tasting, however the marinade will skunk up your whole house.  It was so pungent I went blind for a few hours...or was that the drugs?

Anyways, the two types of jerky pictured above were made, not with the recipe given but with the following.

These packs were purchased at Cabelas.  Those of you not cool enough to live near a Cabelas will have to check out their website.  High Mountain Seasonings  The packs are slightly more expensive on their website, but that's your dumb luck not mine.

I guess you can do this shit in an oven.  You know, if you're a caveman and haven't bought a dehydrated.  Come on people, I've already provided you one fabulous recipe that utilizes it.  You didn't really think I'd stop there did ya?  Fool.

I realize the picture is blurry.  I was too busy not giving a fuck to correct it.

Blah, Blah, Blah, buy some meat ( Top round was used here ) and cut it up.  One of my more intelligent readers pointed out to me that you can have your butcher handle your meat.  Trust me, this is the route you want to take.  The less you have it in your hands the quicker it'll be in your mouth.  
* That's what she said *

The seasoning packs may seem a bit expensive but keep in mind that you do NOT use the whole thing.  This will make several batches.  Did I mention that they provide a neat little shaker? 

The darker colored bag contains the spices and the pale bag is the cure stuff.  No society jokes tonight people, sorry.  
You'll also be provided with instruction that help you accurately mix the two for the amount of meat you have.  Remember, size doesn't matter...HA!  Yes it does!

So you mix the two, sprinkle on meat, let cure for 24 hours and then dehydrate for 6-8 hours.  Sounds time consuming, I know.  Just think of it as a good time to organize your porn.  Wash your hands and any effected surfaces after.  Please and thank you.

That's it.  Pull your wrinkly meat out, lay on some paper towels and then eat it!

Ratings - ( a possibility of 5 ☆'s )

Cost - ☆.5  Meat was from Costco.  About 3 lbs for 18 dollars.  Each spice pack cost 6.99.  I realize this sounds super pricy for jerky but it's really not.  Like I said before, the spice packs will make many batches.  As for the price of the meat, go try buying 3 lbs of good jerky for less.  I guarantee it won't happen.

Difficulty - ☆☆.5  There's a little bit of math involved.  I guess my dike math teacher was right, one day I'd regret that "easy A"

Taste - ☆☆.5  It's fucking jerky!

Clean up ☆☆  I hand wash the dehydrator trays.  If the dishwasher had done it for me I would have given this 5 stars

Jerk that meat real good baby!

Happy Porking People!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Philly Fill

"In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool,
And all shooting some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood"

That's fresh, yo!  Like philly cheese steak fresh!  I'd do just about anything for a tasty philly!  Maybe not worth getting AIDs and fired from you homophobic law firm over, but I'd certainly crack a bell a two.  This was simple to make and tasted like heaven between two toasty buns.  ( Not an intentional gay pun. )

Here's the link to the recipe.  Philly  Side note - the owner of the blog where this was found is a genius.  Visit his awesomeness often for some really good ideas.

So, pretty much you just want to follow his recipe.  It's pretty easy.  I added half a green bell pepper, because I can.

Add everything to a HOT pan with oil.  I used olive oil because it sounds sophisticated and I need a lot of help in that department.

Once the meat is cooked, drain oil and add onion soup.  Then jew turn the oven on broil, jew spoon the mixture onto the rolls and jew add the cheese and jew bake the jew out of it.  It's ok if jew burn it just a jew bit.  Jew want it nice and toasty.

Ratings - ( a possibility of 5 ☆'s )

Cost - ☆.5 Meat was a little pricey.  Expect to pay around 8 dollars on meat to feed four.  The provolone was a little over 3, the rolls just under 3.  Onion soup was one dollar, bell pepper 60 cents and I have no idea how much I paid for the onion.  So, figure you'll spend about 16 dollars total.  

Difficulty - ☆☆ Cutting up the meat fucking sucked donkey balls.  The rest was easy. 

Taste - ☆☆.5  It's a keeper!

Clean up - ☆ One cutting board, knife, large spoon, tongs pan, cookie sheet.  All dish washer safe.

I know you're all dying to finish the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.  Go ahead, I'm done here. 

Happy Porking People!

Sunday, April 22, 2012


What's this noonsense aboot?  You cooking up a wee lil mole, eh?  I was just aboot to clean up my Zamboni, eh, but maybe I'll put on me skates and see what this shenanigan's all aboot, eh.

No, eh!  Mole!  One of the rare occasions where having chocolate for dinner won't leave you shame crying in a dark corner. I'm not saying it's a two pointer on the weight watcher scale, but it's certainly not as bad as eating five snicker bars and washing it down with two liters of Coke.  Plus, this fiesta in your mouth employs one of my favorite kitchen tools.  The Crock Pot!

Oh, crock pot, how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.  I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach...  A bit overboard?  I don't care.  Don't judge my love.  Hamilton Beach was founded in 1910, making this culinary affair perfectly legal.  FYI, I'm not the only one who is down with   Objectum-Sexuality ( A real condition )

Now, that I've made half of you extremely uncomfortable lets get back to cooking.  Here's the link to the recipe I used.  Slow Cooker Chicken Mole  

This is really easy.  Take all the ingredients and dump them in the crock.  I skipped a few things.  Raisins just didn't sound appetizing nor did the sesame seeds so they didn't make it to the party.  

...but Peanut Butter sure did!  Peanut butter, chocolate, and cinnamon?  This should have been called, "Shit Stoners Would Put on Chicken."  Although, to be fair, stoners would never have the patience to use a crock pot.

OK, people.  Here is a piece of vital information.  The recipe calls for ONE chipotle chile, NOT one can!  I personally think it could have used two but that's just because I like things to taste as if they came from the very pits of hell.

Have you ever wondered what cooking poop might look like?

After about 5 hours, I removed the chicken.  I used tenders so I didn't think any more cutting or shredding was necessary.  However, I wasn't too pleased with the chunkiness of the mole so I tossed it in the blender for a few minutes.

That's better, other than it sure is an excessive amount.  Clearly, this recipe can be halved while still using the same amount of chicken.  Sadly, most of this ended up down the drain.  I made some white rice which I ate with a couple of spoonfuls of mole.  As for the chicken, I wrapped that in a warm tortilla with a little extra mole, cheese and sour cream.

Ratings - ( a possibility of 5 ☆'s )

Cost - ☆.5 To be honest, the only thing I didn't have on hand for this was the chipotle chile.  However, I realize that not everyone has the required spices ( really you should, though ) and not everyone has coco powder.  Not having coco powder can be over looked but if you lack any of the spices I beg you to put some pants on and fix that.

Difficulty - ☆☆.5  You dump everything in this thing that cooks for you.  I mean, I guess if you're Amish and without electricity this might be a little confusing. 

Taste - ☆  It was good.  But to be perfectly honest, it wasn't anything special.  I would have been equally as happy putting taco seasoning on the chicken, shredding it and calling it day.

Clean up - ☆ a crockpot.  This could have been a five star clean up here, but shit always gets stuck to the sides of the crock making pre washing a must.

What about the mole, eh?  Stupid Canucks! 

Happy Porking People!