The good, the bad, and the really fucking horrid.

Pffft...Cookbooks and cooking sites are so damn pretentious. All those flawless pictures taunting me with my underdeveloped culinary experiences. Five layer, German, chocolate cakes frosted to pretty, brown perfection. Stuffed chicken breasts that miraculously maintained their content while being sautéed in some Dijon mustard, wine, whatever reduction. Bright yellow, scrambled eggs that look fluffier than a cloud. I call Bullshit!

When I barbecue, I don't get precise grill marks. When I make pancakes, half of them burn. When I cook I'm never visited by the magical, cleaning fairy who readies my kitchen for a lovely photo opp. Yeah right! When I cook it's more like Fruit Ninja meets tornado with maybe an electrical fire or two. If I made a cookbook on things I can actually prepare really well you'd have a cookbook about Ramen Noodles, bag salad, hot dogs and frozen waffles.

A few years ago, I set out to learn how to make actual food. You know, something that required more than " remove film, microwave on high". I surprised myself on more than one occasion. However, I also threw away my fair share of burnt, rubbery, "WTF, is it still alive?" disasters. I poured over countless cookbooks. Not literally, well for the most part. I looked up different websites. I even had nifty apps on my phone. As far as I'm concerned, they all sucked! They are all lying bastards! Never! Not one single time has my finished dish looked as nice as the picture anyone of these photoshop savvy assholes showed.

Now, fast forward a bit. I've got a little experience under my belt. I've learned a handful of things that I didn't know before. I, reluctantly, watched all of Julie and Julia. I steal ideas. AND...the internet makes information sharing ridiculously easy. Plus, I'm kind of hoping this blog will end up on the desk of some big wig over at food network. You know, brutally honestly, cute smile, takes directions well? All I'm saying is if I could censor my mouth exterminate I'd easily have a top rated show. If Bobby Flay can do it, surely someone without a genital wart for a face can do it ten times better, right?

....Anyways, my idea ( I'm tired of writing and feel the need to wrap this shindig up ) For one year, starting, April 15th, 2012, I will have a daily posting of, at least, one meal I made that day. Recipe, rating, thoughts, ect. And, no matter how pathetic it may have turned out, I will include pictures. The good, the bad and even the really fucking horrid. As I continue to learn I will include tips as well. Places to shop, things you should always have on hand, how to cook with semen. Ok, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea. So, send me meal ideas, questions, concerns, and even hate mail. Hate mail is highly encouraged actually. Purely for motivational purposes, of course. ( Amyjhagen@yahoo.com ) And prepare yourself for doomsday!

Happy Porking People!